Fall down seven times. Stand up eight.

Because I realized my calves are HUGE. I used to have skinniest calves ever, even when I was at my HW. But since I started running/ doing other types of cardio every day in the gym, they got huge. I built so much muscle, my calves look bigger than my thighs now. It sucks so much because I’m working my ass off every single day, and instead of being super tiny I look like a dysmorphed bitch with fugly legs. I love my legs so much, they were the best and skinniest part of me :(

I NEED them to go back to how they were ASAP! This sucksucksucks. Should I stop doing cardio? I can’t, that would mean eating less and I don’t want to go back to starving! Besides, I love my thighs now. Running made them look amazing. Why can’t my calves just go back to what they looked like in december? :(

I have to figure this out.

 … and I have Bulimia.

There, I said it. I finally admitted it. To myself. To tumblr community. This is the first time ever I actually said it. 

It all started in October 2011. I lost a lot of weight and decided to treat myself with a day off. I was so excited about it. My boyfriend took me to this amazing restaurant where I ordered homemade gnocchi filled with cheese, with shrimp and mushroom white sauce. We went to this caffe bar afterwards, where they serve delicious cupcakes. So I had 2 or 3 of them. For dinner I had a grilled chicken sandwich, fries and a Nutella crepe. It was all so yummy and that was one of the best days of my life, after restricting for almost 2 months. The next day I stepped on the scale. Biggest mistake ever. It said 5 lbs heavier, and I didn’t know about water weight, glycogen stores, how it takes 3 500 extra calories to gain a pound etc, so I thought I actually gained 5 lbs. I panicked, and decided to fast the next day.

It was extremely hard to fast, but I somehow did it, although I maybe had an apple or so. The next day, scale said 6 lbs lighter. I WAS BACK ON TRACK. In fact, I even lost 1 lb.

I went back to my regular “diet” (the way I was eating before my day off). Everything was going great, until one day I had the biggest craving ever. Instead of ignoring the craving, I binged. It wasn’t a big binge at all, maybe about 1 000 extra calories on top of my daily goal. I knew if I restricted the next day, I’ll be back on track again. And so it was. I binged, felt bad afterwards, ate very little the next day, and was back on track again. 

It was so easy. It was too easy. The next thing I know, I was bingeing and restricting every 2 weeks or so, and still losing weight.

But then my binges became really bad. Instead of 1 000 extra calories, it was 2 000 extra, then 3 000, 4 000, and so on. I was literally in pain because my body wasn’t capable of storing that amount of food. I realized one day of restricting won’t be enough, so it soon became 2 or 3 days of starving. But at the end of the day, I was back on track again.

Pretty soon I couldn’t go more than 7 days without bingeing. I would follow a clean diet for 5 days, then binge on the 6th day, starve for 2 days and then get back to my clean diet. It was a vicious circle.

I felt like shit after and during bingeing and I knew it had to stop. But then again, knowing I’ll get back on track by starving pretty soon made it so easy. As I was approaching my goal weight, binge/starve episodes became even more frequent. I would sometimes binge for 2 or 3 days, then starve the fuck out of the 5 or 6 following days. 

One day, I read an article about bulimia. Until that day, I always thought only people who binge, then get rid of the food by vomiting had bulimia. For the first time ever, I realized I might have an eating disorder.

And it got worse. As days went by, it became more and more frequent. My binges were so huge I was in pain all of the time. My starving was so hardcore I felt nausseous and weak all of the time. I started going to the gym EVERY DAY, sometimes even twice a day, just to do cardio and get rid of the binge calories. There were barely any “normal” days for me. It was either binge days, or starve days. I refused to leave the house until I got rid of the binge weight. So I wouldn’t leave the house for 5 days. When I finally did leave to go out with my friends or something, I’d binge again.  

It just gets worse and worse. I wake up sometimes feeling good about myself, and decide I’m never going to binge again. But I always end up doing it. 

BUT I’VE HAD ENOUGH. It has to stop, and it will. I just binged hardcore for 3 days in a row and gained ridiculous amounts of weight, but I don’t care. IT WILL STOP. 

I’m going to do my challenge for 5 days, starting today. I’m going to eat and work out exactly the same as I did the last time. It will help me get rid of the binge weight gain.

After that, on saturday, my boyfriend is taking me out to lunch, and I’m supposed to take him out to dinner. Usually, this would mean A HUGE BINGE, but not this time. I’m going to enjoy both lunch and dinner, but without bingeing. I’m going to go over my calorie limit, but not  4 000 calories over. I’ll eat everything, in moderation. It won’t be easy, but I can do it. I won’t starve the next day, and I won’t binge the next day. I’LL NEVER BINGE AGAIN. If I want a day off, I can have it. If I crave something, I’ll have it. But without bingeing. And without starving.

I’m not going to let my eating disorder destroy my life.

Fuck this shit I’m just a fat failure.